Missing you, missing me.

Well, this is a very depressing day for me and I'm guessing it's because I'm so tired due to getting to bed so late lately as of late. (Even depression and exhaustion doesn't prevent my inate silliness).
I put on an Alan Parsons cd (best of, vol 2) and it reminded me of you, son, as I expressed in my email to you.
All those times we would sing and laugh and smile with those songs in the van seem so far back and yet, the smiles and joy feels like yesterday.
One of my most cherished memories is of the times when I would tuck you into bed and you would be smiling and all giddy and squirming like you had snakes in you. The pure happiness to be alive was in your eyes and face and I would smile back and, with all the seriousness I could muster, I would say; "Jolin. I love you SOOOO much, son. Do you know how much Daddy loves you?" You'd answer with a silly giggle or close your eyes and appear to shiver inside with happiness. Those looks made me so f'ing happy. I cannot describe how happy it made me to see you that happy. It was rewarding to me to see that I COULD make somebody so happy; that I was capable of showing what I wanted to be shown, and doing it without subterfuge or deceipt and alternative motives. Sometimes I would caress your cheek with my hand and you would scrunch up and get all tickley. Other times you would grab my hand and hold it to your face and smile and I thought I would die from happiness, right there and then.
Son, I know you're in a relatively safe place, in Japan, but I miss you and worry for your continued safety. I am so proud of the happiness I was able to give you as a child., and for the way you turned out as a person.
I thank the Gods that I was able to give you the happiness I wanted as a child. I'm not sure how all this computes on a psychological level or what it says about me, but I know I am SO very pleased with the way I was able to gather myself together, in spite of my own childhood unhappiness, and turn it around for you. The tears flowing now both reflect my gratitude for that opportunity and for the result; a happy youngster who felt the love of his mom and dad; that, and the sadness I felt for not having had that myself.
I know I'm sounding pitifully self-absorbed now, but shit, I am so sad that I didn't have what was so simple to give; love and the happiness of knowing and feeling that love.
Redundantly; Thank You God for allowing me that for you. God bless you, son. I love you and miss you from the depths of my heart and soul.
I also thank God for giving me the ability to ignore my own sexual abuse as a kid and not pass that on to you. So many victims continue the abuse. You're not aware of any of those things and if/when you find out, please try and understand that it was the strength of my love for you and the recognization of what's right and wrong that kept me from doing the things that were done to or in front of me. Whatever wrongs you may see in life, you have the opportunity and ability to change that pattern and be a better person and make others happier because of it.
I grew up with the feelings of abandonment, sexual abuse, too much alone time on the streets, alcohol abuse, rejection, and I was determined not to show you any of those things that could/would hurt you. I was successful in that endeavor and I must admit to pride. I know that most people take responsible parenting for granted, but having come from such a fucked up childhood, it was almost expected to pass that on to you, as most people from dysfunctional backgrounds end up duplicating their own childhoods; probably out of anger. The anger I felt/feel was not directed at you, thank God, but at the people who actually were the cause of my misery; my parents. And, as hard as it might be to understand that; it's valid, to me, and was a major factor in my development. The result of which, is a 58 yr old man who has very few friends because he doesn't know how to deal with people; and tends to push people away for reasons he's not able to comprehend, much less, articulate.
I always wanted to be a person that people loved, but never really felt deserving and certainly offered little in the way of motivation for people to do that. I spent so much time alone, that I didn't develop, nor was shown, those skills that are conducive to being loved. Which is not to say that I haven't been loved. I know that I have been loved by many people. It's just so darned hard to show gratitude for something that I don't feel worthy of. And, that thought makes me sad because EVERYbody should feel loved and has a right to that; yet, I've never really, TRUly felt deserving of that. Jesus, talk about redundant! I think I may have reiterated everything here several times in multiple ways.
Done.