One of "those" fucking days...catharsis option #1
Life had me by the balls today. I was tired, grumpy, and about as pleasant as a wet fart. But, hey! That's the way it goes sometimes. Some days are like a gift and others are more comparable to a practical joke. If I had gotten more sleep, perhaps I would be more amenable to life, however, I like staying up late and so I must pay the piper; or, rather, everyone else does. And I feel bad about that, but what can I say. I'm an imperfection in humankind; a mar on the face of the earth; a blemish on the ass of friendly. I just cannot help being who/what I am; as much as I hate being me.
There's a lot of anger in me lately.
I wish I'd had the balls to confront my parents when they were still alive. I would just love to tell them off. They were such losers and uncompromisingly self-centered. How else was I expected to turn out? Their absence in my life was so criminal.
Dad, wherever you are, you suck! You left me with your 60+ yr old mother and her husband, you selfish bastard! How the hell can you dare to call yourself a parent, or a son for that matter? You left my brother with an aunt and uncle because why? You were in no position to take care of us? How about a fucking job? Ever hear of that? How about the responsibility and PRIVILEGE of raising your children? Teaching them how to be a productive and respected member of the community? Giving them something they needed? YOU!!
Mom. What a saint you were. You left town to live with your second husband 3000 miles away! What a special mother! The torturous routine of raising your two kids was conveniently averted. How nice for you! Meanwhile, your two children were raised separately, never having lived together as two brothers should. Screw you too! It's taken me too long to express my anger and sadness. I deeply regret not having told you both to go to hell years ago. If you were alive now, I would tell you exactly how I feel, as would Ray.
You had a golden opportunity to show us the love we deserved. Our plates might not have gotten full, but we would have had the joy of being together, of loving and being loved. You could have taught us social skills. Mom, apparently you had no problems with social skills at all. Screwing all those guys proved just how popular you could be! And dad, you sure demonstrated your own skills passing those bottles back and forth with the many railroad bums and other derelicts you happened upon on your cross-country rail-hopping, hitchhiking tours. I'll bet you had some GREAT times out there on the road while your 60+ mother was raising a depressed, sad, undisciplined kid for 10 years. You must have been so proud of yourself! No responsibilities! no nagging kids or wife to mess up your fun, and you did it all on your own!! Talk about an achiever!
Hell, I can't even intelligently articulate how angry I am. The words are all gutteral and reflect my anger very basely. To that, I say; Fuck You both! May you rot in hell for the sin of omission and be aware of my anger, and cognizant of the pain you've caused the both of us, for eternity.
It'll be my birthday in a couple days. Do you have any memories of wishing me happy birthday or spending them with me? Me neither. Actually, I do have one memory of mother dear spending a birthday with me, but that's because I spent 3 years living with you when my grandmother was in her 70's and couldn't handle me anymore. After I moved to live with you, I attended 4 different high schools in those 3 years. Great parenting job! Were you trying to make me stronger by introducing as much adversity as possible? Perhaps you were training me for welfare assistance. Unfortunately, I was a poor student there as well. I never succumbed to the temptation. I fucking WORK for a goddamned living!!
Ray dropped out before he finished jr high, and never really acclimated to life either. How proud you must of been of yourselves! Such great examples to follow, you were. I have so few memories of the two of you. I never saw you talk to each other. I never heard you have any conversation at all. I certainly remember you mentioning that I had another brother that I never met. Some kid you popped out from having an illicit relationship with a friend of my father's. Nice. We finally met some 50 years later, but only because I called him and we exchanged pics online. We actually never met in person. It was too uncomfortable for either of us. He vaguely remembered you visiting him at his home.
I miss all the holidays we never had. I miss the birthdays and Mother's Days and Father's Days that meant absolutely nothing to me. Thank you for eliminating the burden of taking you out for Mother's Days, and cards, and presents, and hugs, and kisses, and thank you's for all the wonderful Mom/Dad things you did for/with Ray and I. The normal events that a family enjoys together were not available to Ray and I. Thanks, guys. You were perfect examples of how NOT to raise kids. I'm glad for my son that I had at least a modicum of family skills and a deep commitment to doing the best I could to keep my son at home and not pass him off to relatives like you both did. I was certainly lacking in parental skills that I might have picked up from living with family. Working from instinct and love, I was able to be a dad; less-than-perfect I may have been, but I tried and didn't give up. Even after divorce, I raised my son alone rather than disrupt his life anymore than necessary. It sounds like nothing out of the ordinary, I guess, but it was a few steps up from how you dealt with Ray and I. Dad, you were the worst offender. You dropped us off at different homes and then hit the road. I can count on no fingers the stories you shared. I can recall not one birthday gift, card, camping trip, fishing trip, man-to-man talk, or even father to son talk. As a child I spent some time with you when you were back at home with your wife. I remember listening to you sing and play guitar, spoons, and "bones" on the porch when I was very little. I very vaguely recall playing the drums on Pepe's porch while you played the guitar and people would pass and toss change on the porch for us. That was the last real quality time we spent together. Several years before your death, I begged you come camping with me. You
denied me that. I wanted so much to sit and talk with you; to bond and spend time getting to know you. You knew not how to be a father perhaps, but you wouldn't even give it a try. While I can relate to unlearned skills; I feel you should have given it an attempt. You owed me something from your lifetime of neglect and you wouldn't come through. I cannot adequately express my hurt and anger. Go to hell, the both of you.
There's a lot of anger in me lately.
I wish I'd had the balls to confront my parents when they were still alive. I would just love to tell them off. They were such losers and uncompromisingly self-centered. How else was I expected to turn out? Their absence in my life was so criminal.
Dad, wherever you are, you suck! You left me with your 60+ yr old mother and her husband, you selfish bastard! How the hell can you dare to call yourself a parent, or a son for that matter? You left my brother with an aunt and uncle because why? You were in no position to take care of us? How about a fucking job? Ever hear of that? How about the responsibility and PRIVILEGE of raising your children? Teaching them how to be a productive and respected member of the community? Giving them something they needed? YOU!!
Mom. What a saint you were. You left town to live with your second husband 3000 miles away! What a special mother! The torturous routine of raising your two kids was conveniently averted. How nice for you! Meanwhile, your two children were raised separately, never having lived together as two brothers should. Screw you too! It's taken me too long to express my anger and sadness. I deeply regret not having told you both to go to hell years ago. If you were alive now, I would tell you exactly how I feel, as would Ray.
You had a golden opportunity to show us the love we deserved. Our plates might not have gotten full, but we would have had the joy of being together, of loving and being loved. You could have taught us social skills. Mom, apparently you had no problems with social skills at all. Screwing all those guys proved just how popular you could be! And dad, you sure demonstrated your own skills passing those bottles back and forth with the many railroad bums and other derelicts you happened upon on your cross-country rail-hopping, hitchhiking tours. I'll bet you had some GREAT times out there on the road while your 60+ mother was raising a depressed, sad, undisciplined kid for 10 years. You must have been so proud of yourself! No responsibilities! no nagging kids or wife to mess up your fun, and you did it all on your own!! Talk about an achiever!
Hell, I can't even intelligently articulate how angry I am. The words are all gutteral and reflect my anger very basely. To that, I say; Fuck You both! May you rot in hell for the sin of omission and be aware of my anger, and cognizant of the pain you've caused the both of us, for eternity.
It'll be my birthday in a couple days. Do you have any memories of wishing me happy birthday or spending them with me? Me neither. Actually, I do have one memory of mother dear spending a birthday with me, but that's because I spent 3 years living with you when my grandmother was in her 70's and couldn't handle me anymore. After I moved to live with you, I attended 4 different high schools in those 3 years. Great parenting job! Were you trying to make me stronger by introducing as much adversity as possible? Perhaps you were training me for welfare assistance. Unfortunately, I was a poor student there as well. I never succumbed to the temptation. I fucking WORK for a goddamned living!!
Ray dropped out before he finished jr high, and never really acclimated to life either. How proud you must of been of yourselves! Such great examples to follow, you were. I have so few memories of the two of you. I never saw you talk to each other. I never heard you have any conversation at all. I certainly remember you mentioning that I had another brother that I never met. Some kid you popped out from having an illicit relationship with a friend of my father's. Nice. We finally met some 50 years later, but only because I called him and we exchanged pics online. We actually never met in person. It was too uncomfortable for either of us. He vaguely remembered you visiting him at his home.
I miss all the holidays we never had. I miss the birthdays and Mother's Days and Father's Days that meant absolutely nothing to me. Thank you for eliminating the burden of taking you out for Mother's Days, and cards, and presents, and hugs, and kisses, and thank you's for all the wonderful Mom/Dad things you did for/with Ray and I. The normal events that a family enjoys together were not available to Ray and I. Thanks, guys. You were perfect examples of how NOT to raise kids. I'm glad for my son that I had at least a modicum of family skills and a deep commitment to doing the best I could to keep my son at home and not pass him off to relatives like you both did. I was certainly lacking in parental skills that I might have picked up from living with family. Working from instinct and love, I was able to be a dad; less-than-perfect I may have been, but I tried and didn't give up. Even after divorce, I raised my son alone rather than disrupt his life anymore than necessary. It sounds like nothing out of the ordinary, I guess, but it was a few steps up from how you dealt with Ray and I. Dad, you were the worst offender. You dropped us off at different homes and then hit the road. I can count on no fingers the stories you shared. I can recall not one birthday gift, card, camping trip, fishing trip, man-to-man talk, or even father to son talk. As a child I spent some time with you when you were back at home with your wife. I remember listening to you sing and play guitar, spoons, and "bones" on the porch when I was very little. I very vaguely recall playing the drums on Pepe's porch while you played the guitar and people would pass and toss change on the porch for us. That was the last real quality time we spent together. Several years before your death, I begged you come camping with me. You
denied me that. I wanted so much to sit and talk with you; to bond and spend time getting to know you. You knew not how to be a father perhaps, but you wouldn't even give it a try. While I can relate to unlearned skills; I feel you should have given it an attempt. You owed me something from your lifetime of neglect and you wouldn't come through. I cannot adequately express my hurt and anger. Go to hell, the both of you.
posted by Fmouie | Monday, July 18, 2005
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4 comments
